Marriage is about serving together

I met a friend after almost 30 years. We sat in a quiet café, reminiscing about our youth, our careers and the lives we had built. But as the conversation deepened, it circled back to something that had troubled her for decades: her husband’s definition of home.

Thirty years ago, they lived in different cities — he would commute every Friday night to be with her and return Monday morning. She, meanwhile, juggled a full-time job and cared for their infant alone during the week, essentially a single parent. Weekends should have brought relief, and a chance to share responsibilities, but for him, they were a retreat — two days to eat, rest and unwind before the next workweek began.

Whenever she asked for help, it was the same response: “I’ve travelled all this way. I’m here to rest.” She had looked forward to his return — not just for his presence, but for the hope that she could share the load. Instead, she watched him rest on the sofa, watching TV, expecting dinner to be served, their only child to be managed, and the weekend to revolve around his comfort.

I thought that after three decades, things would have changed. Surely, retirement would have brought a new perspective. But as she stirred her coffee and smiled ruefully, she told me otherwise. Her husband, now retired, still carried the same complaint — that she never gave him the “complete rest” he felt he deserved after years of work.

It’s a sentiment many women silently battle in their marriages, where the weight of emotional and physical labour falls disproportionately on them. While their husbands often view financial provision as their primary contribution, wives become the default managers of everything else: childcare, household responsibilities and, in many cases, their own careers. This imbalance breeds a quiet resentment that lingers far beyond the end of the workday.

At the heart of this issue is the mental load — often described as the “invisible burden” — a relentless, unseen effort required to keep a household running. It encompasses the constant planning, organising, remembering, emotional caregiving and coordination of daily responsibilities. Despite its significance, this load is frequently overlooked, leaving women with an exhausting cognitive and emotional workload. Studies show that carrying this disproportionate responsibility leads to heightened stress, burnout and a decline in overall well-being, underscoring the urgent need for more equitable distribution of household and family duties.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but for many, it becomes an uneven contract where one partner’s rest is prioritised over the other’s exhaustion. It’s time for men to realise that coming home is not about being served — it’s about serving together. Rest is a right, not a privilege reserved for one.

So, dear husbands, if you truly want a “happily ever after”, remember: real love is found in the kitchen, the laundry basket and the school lunchbox. A marriage where both partners share the load, whether it’s making chai or managing the kids, is one where respect thrives, laughter lingers and “happily ever after” isn’t just a story, but a reality lived every day.

Musings