Immortal, but barely alive

Back from the grave, or more accurately Netflix’s content vault, ‘The Old Guard 2’ stumbles in, still immortal, but seemingly less charismatic. Five years after the first film stormed our pandemic-fried brains with slick action and a surprisingly emotional core, this sequel arrives like a late RSVP to a party that has already run out of snacks. And let’s just say, it doesn’t bring a bottle of wine to soften the blow.

Charlize Theron returns as Andromache or Andy, the scowling, ageless warrior who has spent the better part of 6,000 years rolling her eyes at mankind’s nonsense. She is still magnetic, no doubt about it, commanding every scene like the screen goddess she is, but even she can’t save a script filled with worn-out cliches. Serious speeches that go nowhere, betrayals you see coming a mile away and the usual slow-motion walk away from an explosion. It feels like a movie going through the motions, with nothing fresh to offer.

Quynh (Veronica Ngo), Andy’s long-lost immortal lover, has been drowning and reviving in a sealed cage at the bottom of the ocean for 500 years. That’s a lot of time to nurse a grudge. And boy, she has.

Freed by the mysterious Discord (Uma Thurman, gliding in like she just walked off the sets of ‘Kill Bill’), Quynh is out for revenge, not just against humanity, but against Andy for “daring” to move on.

Meanwhile, Andy, now mortal (oops), is still leading her ragtag team of undying mercenaries — Nile, Joe, Nicky and Copley — on a mission to… well, honestly, you’ll have to figure it out. There is a weapons cache, a nuclear facility and a lot of globetrotting that feels less like an adventure and more like the writers have spun a globe and pointed randomly.

Let’s give credit where it’s due. Theron still tears it up (what can I say, some loyalties run deep). And the action? When it does happen, it’s slick, especially a brutal brawl between Andy and Discord that makes you wish they’d given Thurman more than five minutes of screen time. But flashes of style can only do so much when the soul’s gone missing.

The real crime here isn’t that ‘The Old Guard 2’ is bad, it’s that it’s boring. The first film worked because it balanced high-octane action with genuine emotional stakes. This one? It’s like watching someone play a video game on easy mode, no tension, no consequences, just going through the motions.

The movie drags its feet for the first hour, setting up a conflict that never feels urgent. When the big showdown finally arrives, it’s so rushed and anticlimactic that you’ll wonder if the editors accidentally left the third act on the cutting-room floor.

The ending? Well, a cliffhanger so abrupt it’s like the film just gave up and walked away mid-sentence.

If you’re a die-hard fan of the first movie, sure, give it a go, but don’t expect it to live up to the hype. If you’re new to the franchise, skip this and rewatch ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ instead. ‘The Old Guard 2’ is like a vampire that’s forgotten how to suck blood. All fangs, no bite.

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